Friday 27 December 2013

Do you ever?

Do you ever get those time when you're laying all snuggly and warm in your bed and all of a sudden you get that 'ping' in your head?  You know the one that says 'wake up' no sleep for you yet?  Then while you're laying there thinking I can beat this pinger and I will go to sleep.... well here I am.... awake.  Then I got to thinking as I listened to he rain lashing against the windows and could hear the trees creaking and bending in some really really strong winds (again) about my beautiful beautiful babies.  Nothing new there I think of them all the time... breaks my heart.  I can see them in my mind just as clear as if they were next to me right now.  I close my eyes and I can feel the softness of their feathers against my skin, the smell of them sweet and musky and slightly flowery from my lovely Polly and stronger from my funny little Tinker.  Then quite pongy when they were wet and wanted to rub themselves dry in my hair.  I can see Polly asleep on her back in her little snuggle hut, little squeaks while she had little caiquey dreams, who knows what her dreams were.  Tinker on his bed perch head tucked back under his wing on one leg ready to sleep, one eye open as if to say 'leave me alone now' and I did.  Do you ever look at your pets and wonder what they dream of?  I mean do they dream in the way we do?  I'm fairly sure that if they do dream my babies would not have been dreaming of the nightmare they were to endure.

See we went on holiday and took them to a holiday home,  (who we'd used previously who I thought was my friend) a carer if you will which turned out to be the start of theirs and out nightmares.  See whilst they were there they were allowed to escape... and that's where the bad stuff for us all began,  We cut short our holiday when we found out - on the internet I might add - and came to look.

We searched high and low and low and high.  Chased every little lead we had... and nothing.  Somewhere out there are my beautiful babies.  Except now as the wind blows and the rain lashes down I think they're looking down on us from Rainbow Bridge.  And I miss them.  I miss them so so much it hurts.  Physically it hurts me, us we all miss them.  And its a pain a big black pain in my heart.  See now I wonder about those dreams they had - did they dream of feeling the wind under their wings?  Flying without having to turn round at the bottom of the hall?  See if they did I reckon that dream to them would be a nightmare.  They'd have been outside all alone, scared in that big world that they didn't know anything about.  Because I don't think they stayed together either.  My beautiful babies out in the world bad enough but out there on their own, even worse.

So I'm going to indulge myself and share their pictures, after all thats all I have left to share.  Their images and memories though will stay in my heart forever.  The other thing that will stay with me forever is the guilt.. yes I took them to the holiday home, I chose her, and she told me she'd look after 

Only thing is now there's no one looking after them.

And that makes me feel like the worst pet owner in the world ever.  I failed them, totally and absolutely.

So to my beautiful babies Tinker and Polly I'm so sorry for what I did, I hope wherever you are your dreams are happy ones and I did try and find you, I'll never stop looking.


Larisa said...

oh, what a sad post... The pets need always in our care and attention, and it is sad if they maybe lost somehow...

Squirrel x said...

Oh hunny, your post just broke my heart. As a pet lover I know exactly what you mean about the guilt. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Much love xx

Karen said...

Oh sweetheart, what can I say. I am in bits for you. I too think of them often and just hope that they were found and taken in so that at least they are warm and safe. Big HUgs xxxx

Pop's Cards said...

This made me cry I would want to punch her in the face <3 <3

Kat said...

This is so sad Net. I really feel for you. It's bad enough to lose a pet because it's old and ill, but to lose your lovely caiques for no good reason is heartbreaking. No wonder you're still sad. Thanks for sharing your pics of them..

Kat xx

Linnie said...

You may feel like the worst mummy in the world, but, I know how much love you gave those babies..best of everything ...the only one who should feel guilt is the so called friend who betrayed your trust..you did your very best for your little babies and no one could have done more...close your eyes and try and think of the good times...we all live with some guilt Net you know i do

Sue said...

Oh Net such a sad outpouring of your feelings. You did what you thought was safe in taking them to be looked after and you've done everything possible since to try and find them. You'll always think 'what if' but don't torture yourself. Sue xx

Sharon said...

Oh Net, I am in absolute tears after reading your post. My heart is broken for you. I also wonder when Nikita is lying stretch out sleeping what she is thinking of and hope that it's of her chasing butterflies in a meadow somewhere. Yes, I may sound crazy, but that's how much we really love her. Please don't beat yourself up about chosing the wrong carer to leave your loved ones with. You were not to know as you would NEVER have done so if you knew what the outcome would be. From your post I can just feel the love you had for them and am sure they knew it. Don't focus too much on them being lost and cold (difficult I know), but think of the good times and the wonderful memories you'll have for keeps. Sending you big hugs and maybe in time your heart will allow you to get some new babies to love and cherish. xxx

Aakash said...

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